Reflections of 2010

This year has been.....messed up.

Disappointing.

I don't want to be negative, but I have to look at the truth.

The good thing is that there's always hope for next year.

I have a lot of things going for me and a lot to look forward to next year.

The transition from high school to college was better and worse than I thought it'd be.

I mean, it's hard to make something of yourself when you don't even know where to start.

On the other hand, I've made so many friends and I love them

(even if they are a little crazy and messed up :P).

I don't have much to be proud of this year, but I think things are looking up.

So many things have changed since the beginning of this year and even in the past couple of months. All for the better, but they were hard to go through nonetheless.

I'm just ready for things to work out and give me a chance to be find what I'm looking for.

I'm ready for this year to be over.

Let's see.... Things I'm looking forward to.......

letting my hair grow out

I actually have a date in the new year :)

majoring in psychology and minoring in music(what I should've been doing all along)

new roommate + new dorm

going back to the same friends

playing the mandolin

playing "Madeline" in The Fall Of The House Of Usher

There are so many more things, but I think I'll leave it at that.

2 more days. :)

Sitting in restaurants

Thought we were so grown up

But I know now that we were not the people

That we turned out to be

Chatting on the phone

Can’t take back those hours

But I won’t regret

‘Cause you can grow flowers

From where dirt used to be

I can be alone, yeah

I can watch a sunset on my own

I can be alone, yeah

The Alchemist

There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.

It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.

When you are loved, you can do anything in creation. When you are loved, there’s no need at all to understand what’s happening, because everything happens within you.

Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself.

Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure. You’ve got to find the treasure, so that everything you have learned along the way can make sense.

The boy reached through to the Soul of the World, and saw that it was part of the Soul of God. And he saw that the Soul of God was his own soul. And that he, a boy, could perform miracles.

It required no explanation, just as the universe need none as it travels through endless time. What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only women in his life, and that, with no need for words, she recognized the same thing. He was more certain of it than anything in the world.

And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one’s dreams would have no meaning.

Don’t think about what you’ve left behind.

People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams, because they feel that they don’t deserve them, or that they’ll be unable to achieve them.

Paulo Coelho. Gotta love him.

I was trying to come up with something good to put in my bio box on Facebook

and now I’ve thought too much.

I’ve been watching the first season of Glee and it’s been making me so jealous of the cast. I was really involved in plays, musicals, chorus, and outside singing activities in the past. Now I’m in college and am having to face the realities of life. The one dream I’ve had since I can remember is to become a singer. Over time, it’s transformed into wanting to be an actress. I can’t give up that dream up so easily. I love the show Glee, but it frustrates me knowing that the cast gets to live out their dream while I’m stuck facing the realities of life.

I often get strong urges to drop my nursing major and go head-on with a musical theatre major and a vocal music minor. But I can’t do that. I have to think about things like job security, salary, flexibility, and the list goes on. I’m just tired of sitting back and pretending like I’m okay with letting this dream I’ve had fade away. I’m tired of acting like nursing is what I want to do for the rest of my life. It’s not and I know it. I’m scared to admit that to myself.

Now that I have, what can I do? Double major? Minor in musical theatre? But you see, nursing and musical theatre are jealous majors. They either singularly have your life or none of you at all. Singing and acting are things that I could do for the rest of my life. In fact, I’ve practically done those things all my life until this point.

I can’t stand reality anymore. Let me pretend.

This is how I feel.

Four Hours

Yesterday I shadowed a Psychiatric Nurse and really enjoyed it. I never thought I’d want to work with people in that condition, but from what I experienced over four hours last night, I do.

When I first walked in, I was a little nervous and uptight. For the first hour or so I was behind the thick glass and padlocked door. I kept repeating to myself a quote by Marie Curie that I thought really pinpointed my thought process:

“Nothing is to be feared, but understood.”

As time passed, I relaxed and became comfortable. When I finally got the courage to walk around and mingle with the patients, I knew I wanted to be a Psychiatric Nurse. Most of the patients were fairly lucid, functional, and could hold enjoyable conversations. I laughed with them and talked with them a little about their conditions when they volunteered the information.

Most of the patients are voluntary and realize they need to change. Most of them just want someone to listen to the strife that’s going on in their bodies and minds. They want to be seen as real people, not just a bunch of lunatics. They need to know that someone cares about them and wants them to succeed in the program. I don’t know what their religious backgrounds are, but I want them to know that a hope and trust in God can carry them.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30.

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

1 Peter 5:7

I cannot tell you how many of them need to hear those words.

I have this weird feeling that about everything I’ve experienced in my life has prepared me to be a Psychiatric Nurse. Or any kind of nurse. I’ve fought being a nurse and even going to Harding until just a few months ago.

Now I’ll focus on becoming what people like them need me to be and what I want to be.

My roommate's blog :)

http://fixmysituation.blogspot.com

First impressions of college....

I really love college. It's so unbelievably different! Everything has took a turn for the better. I have amazing friends, I feel loved, we have good clean fun (haha), and I'm growing closer to God. I'm laughing more often and harder than I have in a very long time. All the insecurities I took with me and walls I built from high school are being stripped down one by one.

It's the greatest feeling. :)

I do miss my family. I wish I could call them and tell them all the hilarious stuff that happens, but I know I'll visit soon. I realize I've taken a lot of things for granted. A house, a home cooked meal, a family, money.

I'm really excited about what lies ahead. Classes start tomorrow. TOMORROW. I'm actually kinda looking forward to it... And really nervous. But it'll be okay.

I'm ready.

What everyone's talking about these days....

Photo taken by me.

Something about it makes me feel strange. Maybe because everyone seems to be counting down.

End of summer. Beginning of college.

Change.

It’s so close it’s almost tangible. Things are normal for now, but they won’t be for long. Change is just right around the corner.

And it’ll make you or break you.

I’ve been thinking:

Won’t this be the last time I actually live full time at this house with my family? Of course I’ll visit, but I heard that

sooner or later, home won’t feel like home anymore.

“Going home” turns into “visiting family”.

New friends. New experiences. A career. A husband (hopefully that’ll happen later than sooner).

A future

I’m excited about what lies ahead. I’m ready to put behind my past fully. I’m ready for change.

10 days :)

But remember:

”Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails."

Proverbs 19:21

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Romans 8:28

Moving on.

Since the Blogger world is dying, I decided to get a Tumblr. Blogger is definitely better, but Tumblr has people who respond..... No offense.. Anyway, I'll still post on here.

My new blog is called

Whispers.

I feel like a traitor, but it looks like

it's time to move on.

http://ms-samanthaelizabeth.tumblr.com/

Friends and Psychology

Ahhh, I love friends. I've been reconnecting with some friends lately and it feels good :). I need more friends in my life.

I'm like my dad in that social things do not come naturally to me. I have to think about it and work on it. I mean, I'm not rude or anything, but it's not like I go out of my way to do things for people or spend time with them.

I'm breaking that habit.

I've been battling myself over the years on people just accepting me the way I am or my changing myself to make other people happy. I've learned that there's no one road or choice and I shouldn't have limited myself to that. Really, it takes people accepting me for who I am and my changing some aspects about me to be more personable.

Compromise.

When I was 15, I went in for a psychological evaluation to see if I had ADD (...and I did haha). In my psychological report, I read that I do not "play well with others". What? I can laugh at that now, but back then it was true.

Speaking of psychology, I'm reading this book called

Psycho-Cybernectics by Maxwell Maltz.

It basically says that everyone, from childhood, creates their self-image based on the reactions they get from other people and things they experience in the early stages of life. If people have a negative self-image they'll find things to prove it. An example was if a person failed a class he should say, "I failed math." Instead, he usually says, "I'm a failure." Then he does or finds things that prove his self-image. It can go the same way with a positive self-image. Maltz says that if a person figures out how to change his self-image, he can change his life.

It's a very interesting book and I'll probably blog more about it when I get further into it. I recommend it!

Summer Thoughts {part two}

(I can't believe I spent the first half of my summer wishing it was fun. But that's okay because now I'm making up for it.)

To make good use of my free time, I'm volunteering at the Germantown Animal Shelter. It's a small shelter and when I got there I felt like they didn't really need me. I walked a couple dogs and played with some cats.

It's a pretty good stress reliever, surprisingly.

As of next Monday, I'll be taking ballet lessons! I'm really excited about that! I've wanted to start taking lessons again for over a year. I know I'm a little old to be beginning ballet, but this is something I want to do. Sadly, I'll only take four lessons before I go off to college, but supposedly there's a dance studio in Searcy.

I wonder if I'll be kicked out of Harding for taking dance lessons...... :P

I've been hearing about a website called www.formspring.com. I finally checked it out and it's very good for when you're bored. Here's my link:

http://www.formspring.me/SamanthaJayne7

Also, in other web news, I've made a YouTube account! I have three videos uploaded and hopefully more to come. Link:

http://www.youtube.com/user/healthys0ul

While I'm at it, here's my deviantART link:

http://im-a-bird.deviantart.com/

Well, I've finally almost got everything I need for my dorm room! I'm getting so ready for college, but it really hasn't hit me yet that I'm going. Still.

I've changed my mind about my major again, but this time I know it's what I want. I'm going to major in nursing to become a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner. And I'm minoring in Spanish and hopefully music. I'll be able to:

pay the bills

travel

like what I do

incorporate music therapy

and actually DO something about my patients instead of just listen to them

I understand just listening is sometimes all people need, but it'll give me more satisfaction knowing I can prescribe medicine. Also, I'd be in high demand. I know it'll be hard work, but I'm getting pumped about it!

I think I'll end with asking:

Is there anyone else out there in the blog world?

Thank you and have a nice day.

Summer Thoughts {part one}

I finally realize how important friends are and how much I want them.

If I didn't have my fun group of friends, orientation would have been completely B O R I N G. Luckily, God set me up with amazing people.

: )

Anyway, so I went undeclared, set up a schedule, and am now declaring a major. Yes, I do have to find a way to make things complicated. Since Harding U doesn't have a program for music therapy, I'm majoring in psychology and minoring in music and Spanish. Hopefully that'll set me up for a good future.

Speaking of a good future, I set up my study abroad program. I'm going to Florence, Italy in the fall of 2011!! I'm already really excited about it. On the weekends I could take a train to Switzerland, Spain, or to any of the surrounding areas!

I'm ready for that adventure.

My dad and my brother, Stephen, got back from their boy scout backpacking trip today! They've been gone for 2 weeks, so I'm glad they're finally home. When they were gone I had to sleep with a light on. It's embarrassing... And sometimes I would wake up with a start in the middle of the night like someone in my room woke me up or something like that... It was weird. Maybe I can get some good sleep now.

I feel safe.

I think I'm going to try making my own soap. I bought a book that guides you through the process and it sounds interesting, so why not! It'll be...an experience, I suppose.

I really haven't done a lot this summer, so there really hasn't been that much to blog about. I just had my first set of mildly interesting events happen and my summer's already half over. But the cup is half full, I suppose. The second half should be more eventful.

Peace.

Thoughts about high school and summer.

I can't believe graduation is almost here. I'm so ready to leave!

Yes, I just might be heartless.

I don't really think I'll miss anyone from high school. Sad, I know. I'm just really ready to move on and leave the Harding Academy nonsense behind along with the White Station "youth group".

But that's another story.

Also, I will most likely be avoiding any past Harding Academy students at Harding U. Sorry, but it's just the truth.

But the cup is not half empty!

I think college will be great and I'll finally get a group of friends that I can fit into who don't have ridiculous problems. My roommate is a crazy fun girl I met during Honors Symposium and one of my suitemates is a sweet girl I met during the symposium as well. Sure, I'll be a little sad during graduation and baccalaureate, but I'm not going to cry or anything.

All things end

(thankfully)

I wish I could change the tone of this post so I don't sound cynical, but hey, I guess everyone has their moments.

Anyway,

I'm going to try to make the best of this summer.

I say that every summer and somehow it never works out haha. But seriously, this time I will. I have the most free time this summer than I've ever had in a summer. My parents want me to get a job. I think it'd be interesting, so I think I will. Also, I'll have time to get back into writing, reading, playing the guitar, and just doing things that I've wanted to do. I'm pretty excited about this summer. I have a chance to make my own plans and I'm going to take it.

Peace.

:)

Senior year(?) + college decision(!)

Wow, it's been a looong while since I've last written...

Senior year has flown by so fast! A lot of people who've graduated have told me that, but I didn't really believe them.

I do now.

Almost time for the talent show again!

I'm excited for that. I'm singing My Heart by Paramore. No what I'd originally planned, but it's cool. I wanted to sing You've Changed by Eva Cassidy. It's smooth jazz. But I like My Heart, too. I expect this year won't be quite as amazing of an experience as last year's talent show's.

Ah, good times... :)

School has been....strange..this year. It's been strange for me mainly because of me. I feel like I distanced myself from my friends for the majority of the year. I'm just getting back to realizing they're there... I think I've been putting my focus on the wrong things. I've been happier since I realized this. I know I'm being vague, but I kinda have to be.

Ha. Confusing. Sorry.

Okay, I've finally made my college decision.

I was deciding between UT Chatt or Harding U.

I chose Harding.

I chose it because of the great relationships I made during Honors Symposium. Most of the people that went are going to Harding. I know, I know: I'm going to Harding Academy and now I'm going to Harding University, Mother will always be watching, blah, blah, blah.... Believe me, I've thought about all of that. I used to be repulsed at the thought of going to Harding U. Its close to home, my relatives live there, many people from my class and people who've gone to Harding Academy in the past are going there..... But in the end, after a lot of thinking, I really actually do want to go there. Anyways, if I don't like it I can always transfer.

I'm really excited!!

Everything Happens for a Reason.

Peace.